Malphas Vault Album Ranking System Breakdown

So how the hell do you rank an album? I’ve seen metal horns, toilets, numerical ranking, letter grades and a whole pile of other valuations.  But how the fuck do these places come up with this shit? I have been racking my brain trying to come up with a way to put a valuation on records that A. Isn’t complete bull shit and B. Will not be met with too harsh of criticism, but after I gave it some thought I realized A matters but B will never happen so fuck it. Here is the breakdown of the Malphas Vault ranking system.

Category 1: The grab you by the throat factor:  Basically this is in my opinion the most important thing when it comes to a record, like a good movie or a good TV show, a record should take you in make you want to stick with it through however many tracks there is.  Not only that but does it make you want to listen to it again? And again? How long will the record stand up? Will you want to listen to it in a week? In a month? 5 years from now?
Out of 20 points

Category 2: Production quality: This bad boy here is going to be a tough one because it’s going to be determined by the individual listening to it. It breaks down like this, is the record protooled to shit? (We call this the Rings of Saturn factor) Is it ment to sound like a computer is controlling your instruments? Is it supposed to sound like you recorded it in a tin can? Basically did the band achieve what they wanted production wise? And does it appeal to the listener? The biggest factor in this one is, does the overall production quality help or distract form the overall album experience?
Out of 20 points

That last category brings us to this one, category 3: Can you do it live: Will the record translate to a live setting? Did you overproduce it so fucking much that you can’t pull it off live? It all comes down to, if you had to play this record front to back with no stops, would it sound the same as the record or would it sound like dog shit?
Out of 10 points (10 points are simply awarded if your band doesn’t play live, this is known as the Leviathan factor)

Category 4: Who did you rip off, and how bad? So we are at the point in music that everyone is ripping someone off I definitely get that, but there is throwing nods to the past and there is blatant “we thought everyone forgot about this band so we are taking their sound.”  Even if you’re not that original did you at least put a cool, interesting or new spin on what you are doing?
Out of 20 points

Category 5: How does the record translate?  So we might not love all the same styles of metal, but can you dig an album that might not be your favorite style? Can a true Black Metal guy dig a Tech album? Can a Death Metal guy dig a straight up Doom record? You get it
Out of 20 points

Last but not least, category 6: Presentation: This sums up the rest of it, album art, album title, and how it’s available.  Just digital is a big minus, LP, Tape, CD and digital is a big plus, did they put thought into the artwork or did they just doodle some lame picture and slap it on the cover?  WTF does the album name have to do with the record? How much thought was put into the overall presentation of the record?
Out of 10 points

There you have it folks, that’s what we here at Malphas Vault will be using to rank albums.  Its out of 100 obviously:

90-100= A
80-89= B
70-79= C
60-69= D
59 and Below= F

Let the bitching commence 


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